Monday, December 19, 2011

Does This Beginning Hook You?

YA Science Fiction: The Lion Within
First Page (219 words)

Insects scattered across the outside of the shower curtain. Renna ignored them, and focused on the warm bucket of water splashing over her head. After two years in Kenya, she had the timing down to the second. The shower would last three minutes. Shampoo. Soap. Rinse. Fast.

She grabbed her towel and tapped the curtain forcing the bugs to the air or ground. All but one departed, a bright purple beetle, the size of Renna’s pointer finger. She tried to flick the straggler off but it wouldn’t budge. Examining the bug would make her late, but she couldn’t help herself, she’d never seen one like it. The huge and creepiness factors made her move slowly, yet something about it drew her closer. She admired its paper thin, iridescent wings folded across its flat back. 

Like a praying mantis, the beetle tilted its head to look at her and then took flight, bouncing off Renna’s cheek. She shrieked, and fell backwards hitting her funny bone against the wooden divider that served as a wall. Pain ran up Renna’s arm, tingles shot down to her fingertips.
The lines between her brows deepened beyond her 16 years. She clenched her teeth. Grabbing her hairbrush, she threw it at the wall with a grunt. The crunch of the beetle’s shell made Renna flinch.


Alleged Author said...

Loving that first paragraph because it shows so much of her life without telling. I do wonder if the beetle is going to have a certain amount of significance. Cool start!

RAD - Dot Painter said...

yay! Thanks for taking the time to read this and comment. And yes, the beetle changes her life for good, bad and ugly.

Jessica Silva said...

THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER. wow. you totally got across what you wanted, so clean and simple, and there's great voice in here. my only isue with this snippet is this line: "The lines between her brows deepened beyond her 16 years."

since it seems you're in 3rd person limited (inside the head of your MC), it's impossible for her to see the lines on her own face (unless she's looking in the mirror?). you can have her frown, or just clench her teeth (that in itself gets the point across well I think) :)

but really, great job!

RAD - Dot Painter said...

Thanks so much Jessica for reading this! Your guidance is really motivating.